Bombshell

'You've been sick again?'

'Yeah.'

'Oh dear. Perhaps you should go to the doctor? It's been going on a while now, hasn't it?'

'I-I'm fine. Maybe I just ate something dodgy.'

'Well, it can't hurt to check. If you keep vomiting like this, it'll affect your birth control.'

'...Unless you're already pregnant. Shit. You need to do a test.'

'...'

'...Brianne?'

'What?'

'Do you know something I don't?'

'…...Yeah. You're right, I-I already know I am...'

'...And you were thinking of telling me when?'

'I'm sorry, I haven't known long, I just hadn't got round to it yet-'

'Got round to it? This is quite a fucking important thing to tell me, don't you think?!'

'Well, you know now. It doesn't matter.'

'Christ. I wasn't expecting to do this again quite so soon. We're going to have three children under five, if you keep it. And to have to explain it to the circle... Oh well, never mind. We can work this out.'

'Right.'

'How did this even happen? You were taking your pill, weren't you?'

'Yes, I was. I don't know what happened. It was like this before, too. You're just... fertile.'

'You're not wrong there. Still. As long as you used other methods of contraception when you've been with... other men, it should be no problem.'

'…'

'…Please, Christ, don't tell me I'm wrong.'

'...Okay, I won't.'

'Did you use a condom with Abraxas or not?'

'….........No.'

'Are you fucking serious?! What the hell were you thinking?'

'The same thing as when I've been with you! I was on the pill, I didn't think I'd need any other type! And, well, he doesn't like them, no man does-'

'So you didn't think of taking extra precautions? Are you fucking dense?'

'Hey, that's not fair! It's not like I didn't try! I know, I should've insisted, I just... didn't.'

'And now because of that, there's a real chance this baby isn't even fucking mine! What the hell am I going to do? How can I explain that one to the circle, if it comes out with black hair and an oversized jaw? What the fuck do I even say to him?'

'I don't know-!'

'This is all we fucking need! What if he wants to be its father, hm, what then? I stand on the sidelines and watch you raise a child with another man? You were completely fucking irresponsible to do this!'

'Well, what about you?! You're one to talk! It's not like you haven't knocked up other women while being married!'

'Yes, and the common denominator there is you, Brianne! Either you're stupid or you keep doing this on purpose.'

'On purpose?! Why the hell would I do this on purpose?!'

'To squeeze more money out of it? You couldn't wait the first time with the twins to start asking me for more money.'

'Because twins cost a lot of money? Yeah, how awful for you to pay for your own daughters!'

'I have those daughters living here, with me now, paying everything for them for everything they could possibly ever need! So whatever line of thought you're going down there, I suggest you drop it now. Don't you turn this back on me. This is all your fault.'

'Mine and Abraxas'.'

'Believe me, I'm not happy with him either. This is a complete disaster. Look, if you haven't already, I'd pay serious thought to the idea of a termination, and make up your mind sooner rather than later. If you really want another child, we can wait until we're actually sure it's fucking mine.'

'This is bullshit.'

'No, it's pragmatic. I'm going to go downstairs and have a fucking coffee. You can sort out the girls.'

'Fine.'

'Morning, lovelies.'

'Mummy, why was Daddy shouting?'

'Oh, it doesn't matter, sweetie. Daddy's just grumpy today...'

'Hello, Aria. How have things been this week?'

'Oh, not too bad, really. We got proof of Tate setting Raya's house on fire and Ellis is handing it over to the police, but we don't expect anything to come of it.'

'Oh, goodness. What's the proof?'

'Photos. But you know how it is. Tate manages to avoid consequences like a neckbeard manages to avoid good hygiene. Y'know, the really stereotypical basement-dwellers who live on the internet, never shower and spend their time harassing women.'

'…So not too dissimilar to Tate. The last bit, I mean. Anyway, I'll stop rambling.'

'How are you feeling about the whole thing?'

'The same as before. Pissed off. But I know there's nothing I can do about it, so... I'm just going to help Raya move on.'

'I see. That's the best course of action, I think. So, is there anything specific you'd like to discuss today?'

'Yeah. I already mentioned it to Saraya and she said I should bring it up with you.'

'What's that, then?'

'...You know my friend, Isai, who I talk to on Acebook? Whose sister I live with?'

'Oh yes, I remember. That was a coincidence, wasn't it? You were looking for people separately, but you already knew him via Topaz?'

'Right, that's it. Except, well... I seem to have gone and developed a crush on him, instead of the people I was meant to be talking to.'

'And how do you feel about that?'

'Weird as hell. I didn't even recognise what it was at first. Thank God for Saraya, I guess. She was the one who pointed it out to me. But even after identifying it, I still don't understand how I'm feeling and to be honest, it repulses and scares me. I hate romance. I hate these feelings. It's just not me. I used to feel weird whenever other people talked about any of this shit because I really couldn't relate. I'd say I have good empathy but that was completely unfathomable to me. And now I'm experiencing it myself... It still doesn't make any more sense.'

'Look, I don't know what to do about any of this, which is why I'm asking you. Do you think I'm capable of a relationship?'

'Am I allowed to turn the question back on you?'

'Sure, but I don't know the answer. I wanted your opinion. When I was talking to Saraya, I was initially thinking a solid no. Arguing with her about why it wasn't a good idea.'

'Why?'

'You've been talking to me long enough to know why. All the problems I have. You know the stigma around people like me. Is it fair to put that on someone else?'

'No, it isn't fair to behave in a manner that hurts other people, and mental health problems are not an excuse to mistreat someone, even if they are an explanation. But your condition doesn't define you, and it doesn't guarantee the way you'll behave towards another person. That being said, a relationship brings unique challenges that you won't have experienced before, although you may feel some of the same things you do with friends. The feeling unwanted when they spend time with other people, for example.'

'Yeah... well, he'd be different, wouldn't he? I get jealous of other people because I'm lonely myself. But I wouldn't feel that way if I was no longer single, because I'd have my own boyfriend then.'

'But you would need to prevent these feelings from arising with him.'

'Well, that's what the DBT is for, right?'

'Yes, it is.'

'I refuse to be a jealous girlfriend. If I do start feeling that way, I'm not going to burden him with it, I'm going to sort out my own shit, because people don't deserve to put with my paranoia. I'm not a stereotype, I'm not a statistic, and I'm not letting my own irrational fucked up mind ruin things for me.'

'...Assuming we even get together, because there's no guarantee he's interested.'

'I understand why you're cautious, and I think that's the mature and correct approach to take. But this level of self-awareness is exactly what you need, so you won't just bury any problems that arise and will tackle them, as you insist you will. Being honest with yourself about your own limitations is a very good thing indeed, and it's the kind of attitude that will see you recover.'

'That being said, try to focus on your strengths, too. I know it's easier said than done, but use the skills you've been working on to recognise and celebrate the many good things about you.'

'You think there's a chance, then?'

'Yes. Don't you?'

'I think I'm scared to let myself hope, but maybe if I do things right, and he does feel the same way... I could do this. I'd need to get used to touching though, because wow, would that feel strange. At least he's ace like me. I don't need to worry about sex, because that's not on the table at all... Or in the bed either. Or anywhere for that matter.'

'At least you're comfortable enough to make jokes about it.'