Heath and Ellis AMA

Lady_Chaos: How's baby Nix doing?

'She's doing really well, thank you.'

'As you can see, she's pretty peaceful right now.'

'Not all the time! According to her, it's fine for her to have a nap, but when I wanna do it, that's not acceptable.'

'I was laid on the sofa trying to catch up on some sleep but she was having none of it. She needed me to play with her right that moment, and ended up climbing on top of me and shouting "DADDY" into my ear.'

'Aww, she loves you.'

'I'm glad, but she should share some of that kind of love with you too.'

BL00DIEDHELL: Ellis:
What's the most embarrassing thing either of your kids have done?

'Hmm. Charon once drew on my police reports as a toddler... that was fun to explain.'

'...It wasn't the most embarrassing thing, though...'

'Go on, tell 'em.'

'Fine...'

'...I was at the doctor, taking Charon for vaccinations and I needed the toilet, so I had to take him in with me. The walls were pretty thin, and everyone heard him say "Daddy! Your willy is sooooo big!"'

'Hehehe, oh my God.'

'It's not funny! Everyone was staring when we came out...'

'Staring at what, exactly?'

'Oh, shush...'

BL00DIEDHELL: What's the most embarrassing thing Heath's ever done?

'Too much to count.'

'Hey, I'm not that bad.'

'Oh, really? What about the time you got absolutely smashed and went on the computer to look for porn, completely incapable of typing?'

'Ah yeah, that one.'

'He wondered why he couldn't find what he wanted then went on PlumbBook, messaging everyone and asking them why they'd hidden the boobs from him.'

'Logan and Ivy ripped the piss for months afterwards.'

'And there was the time he tried to send me a... a pretty lewd picture of himself in his underwear, but he somehow sent it to Edward instead...'

'On the bright side, Ellis enjoyed it when it did go his way.'

'And finally, we went on holiday with the others. Everyone went on a night out and I got dragged along too. I'd never had alcohol before, so I overdid it... that didn't really matter though, I certainly wasn't the only one.'

'So at the end of the night we ended up skinny dipping. We being pretty much all of us. Logan, Raya, Aria, Stan, Nyla, the lot.'

'I didn't really want to, being a bit of a prude, but like I said, I'd been drinking...'

'Ellis was still breastfeeding at the time. If any of you have experience with lactating tits, you'll know they make pretty good weapons.'

'...And this genius here thought it'd be a good idea to suddenly squeeze my chest. I-It went off in Stanley's face...'

'I'll never forget it.'

'Me neither...'

BL00DIEDHELL: Worst/most awkward moment in the force?

'Having to explain that I wanted to go on maternity leave, not paternity leave, was definitely awkward... The second time around, my boss looked at me with this incredulous expression and asked "Again?"

As well as that, I've had my fair share of unpleasant situations on the job, most of them sexual. Including walking in on someone masturbating in the bath...'

BL00DIEDHELL: Heath:Have you been given your very own dog house yet to sleep in?

'...No, but that sounds like a great idea!'

'But we don't have a dog...'

'It wouldn't be for a dog. When we do get one, it can occupy your space in the bed, and you can sleep outside.'

'Hey, I don't do outside. And you'd miss me, wouldn't you?'

'...'

'...Wouldn't you?'

'I dunno. I might get a better night's sleep. And I'd have the covers all to myself.'

'You think a dog wouldn't try to take up all the space?'

'Hmm. That's true. It might have to be a small one.'

BL00DIEDHELL: Has Nix picked up any more less than pleasant words?

'Sorta...'

'Not exactly a word, more a phrase.'

'Sometimes, completely out of nowhere, she'll say "fuck a duck". And if you react at all, she keeps saying it. Wasn't my fault though!'

'But the jury's still out on that one.'

BL00DIEDHELL: How many of Abraxas' porn vids have you watched? 

'Not that many? There's a limit on how many you can watch before you go blind.'

BL00DIEDHELL: How many have you inflicted on Ellis?

'Too many!'

'I found a couple of really horrifying ones. Of course, I sent them to Logan first, but I still felt like I needed to share them with someone else.'

'And he chose me as his victim, because he's such a loving partner.'

'Yet you still put up with me, somehow!'

'Well, I do love you.'

'Awww.'

'I'd love you more if you didn't inflict videos of Abraxas doing unspeakable things to unfortunate women on me, but hey.'

'Sorry El, but there was no way I was keeping that footjob one to myself-'

'Oh God, why.'

Distance

'Hey, Zeus. You've seemed quiet today. What's up?'

'...I can't lie, there is something on my mind.'

'Well, you can tell me anything. If you wanna talk about it, I'm all ears.'

'Look... I know we kinda glossed over this before, but I can't really ignore it. What are we gonna do in September? There's no avoiding that we'll be going our separate ways.'

'You're definitely going back to Sunset Valley, then?'

'Yeah.'

'Why, when you put so much into running away? You've just settled in here.'

''Cos it was always going to be the plan, to go back there to study. Everyone else is, and I don't want to be the only one left out.'

'Aren't you worried about, well, running into him?'

'I can't deny I am. But I won't be in his area, at least. The university is in Pleasantview, which is a bit out of the way. So the chances are pretty small, and I doubt he wants to come looking for us any more. It's only Tristan he was bothered about, and he's already made it clear to Dad he doesn't want to talk to him. Dad's got his new family now, anyway.'

'…Yeah, I guess.'

'I'll be back here afterwards, y'know. And the holidays. Whenever I want, really, I'm sure Tristan can buy us flights.'

'But will you want to? If your reasoning for going back there to study is being closer to your family again, why would that change once you've finished your studies?'

'Mum and Julius aren't going anywhere. I like it better here, I honestly do.'

'Amos... the fact is, I know we can't always be together. Me and the others, I mean. It's inevitable that life will take us in different directions. But... I'm not ready for that. None of us were. We had to flee with no warning because Dad belted me across the face. We barely got to say goodbye. I want us to be the ones to define the terms of going our separate ways, not him. I want us to grow up and decide all by ourselves when is right for us to move away. Not Dad. He's controlled enough of our lives.'

'Oh... I see. That makes a lot of sense now you've explained it like that.'

'I am glad I moved here. It's suited to my lifestyle. This is home now. And... well, I've met you. I'll have you to come back to, won't I?'

'Oh, Zeus... I'm sorry. I wasn't looking to start uni in a long-distance relationship.'

'...You don't want to, then.'

'It wasn't the plan. I figured it might be a good time to really explore myself. Eighteen is young to have such a strong commitment, to someone who isn't nearby and can't do anything physical with.'

'...Okay. This is why I asked. I don't want to get in deep with you, if that's how you feel. I'm sorry I can't just enjoy the next couple of months. If this is how it is, I'd rather end it now, before you've taken my virginity and made me fall for you.'

'...But I don't want to break up with you, either. I really don't!'

'There's no middle ground here, Amos.'

'An open relationship is out of the question, then.'

'I think I'm too selfish for that, yeah.'   

'That's okay. Maybe I should let you go... I don't wanna hurt you.'

'If you've got that much of a desire to fuck other people as soon as I'm out of the picture then yeah, I guess you should.'

'Zeus, I'd never cheat, I fucking swear. That's a shitty thing to do to someone. I wasn't saying I'd do that, or that an open relationship is the only option. I just meant, it'd be hard for you to be that far away from me. I'd miss you. That's all.'

'Sorry.'

'Don't be sorry. You haven't done anything wrong. These things have their challenges, that's what I meant. It wasn't something I thought I'd do. I used to think, high school relationships don't last forever, so don't drag it out into university when you're not around each other any more. But that was before you. I wasn't expecting you to turn up here last year and be so... amazing. I've never met a kindred spirit like you.'

'I get it... I might've thought the same thing too, at one point. People around me kept getting lucky with their own high school sweethearts. My sister married hers. So who'd have thought that luck could extend to me too? You're my first everything. I didn't connect with anyone in Sunset Valley the way I did with you. Finally, you're someone who understands me. My nudism, my activism, my whole being. I don't want to let you go.'

'Well, I'm not the one leaving, but I fully accept that you are, and you have every right to. It's just a question of managing the distance...'

'The choice is yours. I'm not pressuring you either way. 'Cos I want you to be happy too, okay? Just... don't say yes if you don't mean it.'

'I couldn't do that to you. That'd be cruel. I mean... how often do you think you could swing these visits? I'd save up to come see you too, of course. I'm not asking you to bleed your brother dry or anything.'

'Ha, I don't think there's any risk of that! I think he'd be receptive to it, for my sake... I don't know how I'd repay him for it, though. I need to think on that.'

'What does a millionaire CEO want?'

'Well, at the moment he wants Jinx to stop following him into the bathroom and climbing into his underwear when he goes to the toilet, but that's not something I can help with.'

'I didn't think so! Bet you'll miss the cat too, huh?'

'Just as much as I'd miss you...'

'...Fuck it, I think we should try it. Long-distance. If it doesn't work, we'd know for certain, but I don't want to split up now and think of what might have been. We could get creative, right?'

'Creative, huh?'

'Yeah. I mean stuff like pictures and videos. No obligation, obviously, just something to consider. I know, you still being a virgin, I don't wanna intimidate you with all kinds of stuff.'

'It's okay. You might have to ease me into it slowly, but I'm definitely open to trying things together. If you really wanna do this...'

'I do. You're worth fighting for.'

'Aww... thanks. Are you really sure? If going to uni as a single person and experimenting there is really what you want, I don't want to be the one to hold you back from it. I don't want you to resent me.'

'I wouldn't resent you for a choice I've made. I mean, we've got plenty of our own experimenting to do yet, no?'

'Of course. My pace might be slower than a lot of other people, but it doesn't mean I don't wanna do all those things with you. Plenty of time over the summer to get all that practice in...'

'And if nothing else, you can stick it to your dad that way, by screwing a brown mermaid boy, right?'

'Absolutely. Maybe he's the one I should be sending pictures to...'

'Oh my God, that'd be hilarious.'

'It'd definitely serve him right. I don't think I actually will, though!'

Backup

'Alright, mate?'

'Oh, hey, boss! Come in.'

'You need me for something?'

'Nah, not right now. I wanted to have a word with you about something.'

'Oh, okay. What's up?'

'Listen. I've got no reason to doubt you – you know I trust you, so this isn't anything personal. I just gotta warn you... Suzie.'

'Yeah? What about her...?'

'She and I go back a long way. Her operation's pretty valuable to us, and I'd rather we all got on. So I need to make it real clear, Donovan: don't try any funny shit with her.'

'Funny shit? I don't really know what you mean, boss.'

'I mean, don't fucking do anything to hurt her. I heard you got a history. Now I don't give a shit about anyone else, but Suzie – she's off limits. You don't fuck with her. Got it? You're gonna be the model boyfriend, right?'

'Of course I am! I got no intention of doing anything to hurt her. I mean, to tell you the truth, we aren't as serious as she maybe likes to make out... Not like I'm gonna marry her any time soon, or anything like that. '

'Whatever. Serious or not, you're gonna be nothing but nice to her, otherwise we might have problems. Understood?'

'Understood.'

'Good shit. Glad to hear it.'

'...Fuck, I don't know what you heard, but that bitch Nyla really likes to run her mouth, y'know? She's probably been telling everyone all kinds of shit about me. She's got that idiot Cooper wrapped around her little finger.'

'Yeah, well, like you said, he's an idiot, isn't he? Don't bother about him. He's really nothing for us to worry about.'

'Right.'

'I'm glad we got that sorted.'

'Yeah. Uh, boss, I was meaning to ask you for some help. See, it's the mayor, he's got a job for me.'

'Oh really? You've been getting kinda cosy with him, haven't you?'

'Well, it's good for us if we're in his good books.'

'Aye, that's why we've got our arrangement. Go on, what's the job?'

'He wants me to fuck someone up. But I could do with some backup. To be honest, I'm not 100% sure how I'm gonna pull it off.'

'Who is it?'

'Some teenager. Still lives at home, so... I don't know where I can get him.'

'Then you should follow him, see what kind of places he goes.'

'Yeah, about that... I did, and the only place that'd work is his girlfriend's place. She lives alone. But there's one problem.'

'What?'

'...Seems he goes out with Jude Landry.'

'Oh. Well, what's the problem? Suzie doesn't care any more. I don't think she'll object.'

'Then I need backup if I'm gonna do it there. Making it two against one is just stupid.'

'Yeah, I already heard the kid got the better of you. Not a good look, is it, Donovan? Getting your shit kicked in by a teenage girl.'

'It wasn't like that! Bitch just took me by surprise, that's all. I could've crushed her otherwise.'

'Seems like she overpowered you to me. Maybe you need this one as a chance to redeem yourself. Smash the boy's face in, prove teenagers are no match for you. Then you'll look slightly better.'

'I am better, boss! I'll fucking prove it.'

'Good. That's what I wanna hear. Go find someone to be backup, then. Come back to me if you have trouble.'

'I'm going out now! I'll be back later tonight.'

'Going to see lover boy, huh?'

'Sure am. He's going to show me more of the islands' hidden spots.'

'And probably more of his own hidden spots too.'

'Oh, it's not like that yet... Not that I haven't seen all of him anyway. He's just as lax about nudity as I am.'

'It's a good job, really. I think it's one of those areas where you need to be on the same page.'

'Exactly. No prude's gonna put up with Zeus. Still, there's chance yet for you to not be the last one to lose your virginity, if what he's saying is true.'

'Ugh, no, I'll more than welcome that last place. Go screw to your heart's content; I'm done with men.'

'Aww, c'mon Carmella...'

'Go on. I'll deal with it this time.'

'There's nothing to deal with! What's wrong with wanting to stay a virgin?'

'Uh, I'll see you guys later.'

'See you.'

'There's nothing wrong with wanting to stay a virgin. It's this complete rejection of all men that you've been talking about. Thinking we're all shit.'

'Well, I don't mean you, do I? I know you're different! But it's not you I'd be potentially dating!'

'I'm not some unique specimen, though! There's plenty of people like me!'

'Even if there is, it's not worth the risk. Women have a lot to fear, you know. It's not that the only potential risk is a bad date, or something. It's abuse.'

'Women abuse men too, you know.'

'I know, and it's fucked up... but on the whole, men are much more threatening. Misogyny is practically institutionalised, and most people think it's nothing to worry about! You've seen how our abuelos still sided with Dad! Cos they think he did nothing wrong! People just expect a woman to totally submit to her husband and put up with any kind of shit!'

'They're fucking dinosaurs, Carmella. Most people are in the 21st century now.'

'Maybe their extreme interpretation of it is uncommon, but there's insidious sexism that pervades society. In little ways you might not even realise. Why do women end up doing most of the chores, even when both partners work? Why do women have to bear the mental load for running a household? Why do straight women have the lowest rates of sexual satisfaction out of everyone, and often consider “good sex” to mean encounters that didn't cause them physical pain?'

'And so many men go out of their way to remind you at every moment that that's just how they are, and that all men are like that. That they don't care about our feelings when it comes to not treating women like sexual objects, because everything has to cater to pleasing their dick 100% of the time! They even ask doctors to put an extra stitch in their wives' vaginas after they've had a baby to "make them tighter", because even childbirth has to be all about them!'

'I know people like that exist. They're horrible, I'm not denying that-'

'And then you wonder why I'm afraid of men.'

'But look at all the exceptions you know! Me and Zeus, uncle Edward, Logan, Heath, Stanley... They're all nothing like that. I swear, you can meet someone good.'

'But it's too dangerous to risk it... I can't end up with someone like Dad, I just can't.'

'I would never let that happen.'

'Even Mum doesn't dare try to find another man. She says the same as me, that she's done with them.'

'Oh, jeez... Look, she's probably just focusing on us for now. I bet that's it. She doesn't wanna give us any more upheaval after what we've been through. Maybe she needs more time in therapy... and maybe you do too.'

'Yeah... I do. I'm sorry if I offended you. I wasn't trying to imply you're the same.'

'It's fine. I do wish you'd have more faith, but... I get why you're worried. Some of the things you just mentioned are awful. I hate it when men try to lump us all in that same category. Fact is, some people can't stand to be told their behaviour is wrong, so they act like everyone else is just like them, so they can get away with being like that.'

'I just... need more time.'

'It's okay to. What Father did to you was awful. But you'll be okay, and some day, I just know you'll find someone good. And I'll see off any losers, right? We both will. That's what Zeus and I are here for.'

'...Thanks. I appreciate that.'