Lewd jokes

'Hey baby. Good to see you home. I missed you.'

'Aww, I missed you too. It was nice to get to see Mum and the family though.'

'Yeah, I s'pose the only positive thing to come outta this whole shitshow is us both gettin' to see relatives.'

'Did you miss me, Stanley?'

'Sure I did. How many other kids make me laugh like you do? None.'

'Oh good. I've been practising making flower crowns. Kolya can grow them just like that! So I'm really good at it now. I'm gonna make you one.'

'That's great, kid. Can't wait to wear it.'

'I'm off to go pick some then!'

'...Kolya?'

'My little brother. Mum's youngest. She adopted him a couple of years ago and, well, he's basically a plant person.'

'Huh, that's funny. Topaz was tellin' me 'bout that yesterday. Somethin' 'bout her cousin growin' em.'

'Yep, that'll be the same person! A werewolf from Midnight Hollow and his wife.'

'Small world we live in, ain't it?'

'Definitely. Thanks for everything, anyway... I really don't know what I'd have done without you.'

'Don't mention it, Nyla. If I can't look out for you who can? I'm glad I was able to do somethin' to protect you, even though it wasn't me doin' much myself.'

'It doesn't matter. You made it happen, and that's the important thing. Oh yeah... Mum says she wants to meet you.'

'Great, I'd love to. Maybe you can meet my ma too, then.'

'Yeah, if it's no problem. If I'm not in her bad books...'

'Shit, man, that was last fuckin' year. If she's still pissed about that... I'll make sure she behaves, anyway. Portia will too. Hey, I think you'll like her. She's easy to get along with. And she loves to bust my balls, so I bet you'll like that too.'

'I can't deny there's a certain appeal about it!'

'What homework you got?'

'Some spreadsheet shit. ICT coursework. Gotta love it. What about you?'

'There's some physics stuff but I'm saving it for later tonight. The way I see it, breaks throughout the day are precious.'

'Heh, it's fine when you don't have to sleep.'

'Yeah, but then I've got no excuse not to do my homework. "I was feeling lazy and wanted to spend all night shooting things up as Saints Row's first alien gangster" doesn't really cut it.'

'Better than watching porn all night, I guess.'

'That's one good way to get repetitive strain injury.'

'...What kind of videos do you watch anyway? Sorry, this is gonna sound really offensive, but are you, like, into humans...?'

'...Damn it Jude, I thought you were more open-minded than that! That's almost on a par with the weirdos who try to sneak a look at my dick at the urinals to see if it's freaky or not!'

'Oh God, I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking-'

'Hey, relax. I'm just messing with you. I'm not offended.'

'Oh, you ass! You had me worried then.'

'Sorry. But no, it's a perfectly valid question. And the answer is yes, I am into human women. Supernaturals too. I kinda have to be, otherwise I'm not getting a girlfriend any time soon. It's not like I've seen any other aliens around.'

'Must be weird for you sometimes, being the only one.'

'Yeah, it is. But apart from the obvious biology differences, I'm pretty much a human myself. This planet's the only one I've ever known. So... this is home.'

'Good. Wouldn't want you to leave any time soon. The triplets going was bad enough!'

'Aww, you'd miss me?'

'Yeah. I would. I used to enjoy being able to spend time with Carmella. I'm glad that I've been able to do it with you more instead.'

'Do it with me? Here? Don't think the teachers would approve! I mean, I'm interested if you are, but it'd have to be a bit more private-'

'Shh. I phrased it badly. You know what I meant...'

'Sorry, I'm horrible. ...Hey, you okay, Jude? Did I go too far?'

'No, it's fine. ...Things've just been a bit shitty at home recently.'

'Oh man, sorry to hear that. What's going on?'

'Mum's got a new boyfriend, and he's another asshole. I only tried to chat with him and he pretty much told me to fuck off. He made it clear he's not interested in ever talking to me. Guess he's just there to get his leg over. Mum made me go out for that reason.'

'Wait, you got booted out just so they can get it on?'

'...Yep. Wasn't the first time, and won't be the last. I'm so sick of it. I heard her banging on about how she "doesn't do kids" either. Why did she even bother having me?'

'Well you're always welcome at ours if you wanna get away from all that crap. You can stay as long as you want. All night if you have to! I don't need my bed.'

'Aww, thanks.'

'Don't mention it! What are friends for?'

'Making lewd jokes about banging me?'

'Well, that too.'