A confession

(Author's note: Warning for self harm mention.)

'Hey, if you've got the time, do you fancy going to Indigo's wedding with me? I figure it'll be a lot more fun if I can talk to you.'

'Um... would she want a total stranger going?'

'Well, she invited two total strangers on the basis that they're “trashy”, so I'm sure she'd have no issue with an extra, actual well-behaved guest there.'

'Wait, what? She invited someone to her wedding because they're trashy?' 

'Indigo said she wanted a trashy theme and Madina suggested a couple of people. This isn't your regular wedding, Isai. She probably wants to make a total mockery of it.'

'Fair enough... God, and Anstine's going too, isn't he? I don't think the upper circle know what they're letting themselves in for.'

'Exactly. It'll probably be entertaining, at least. And it's an open bar. What do you think?'

'Well, I think that might just sway me. If I'm not working, I'll go with you.'

'Thanks. I can't say I'm massively looking forward to it, despite all that. Especially if Tate's recovered enough to be able to go. If he does, that's just the cherry on the shit sundae.'

'Do you have to go? You really don't sound keen.

'I'd be kinda unsupportive if I didn't.'

'You don't support it, though.'

'You're right, I don't. I accept the guy himself might not be the creep I thought he was, but that still doesn't mean a young woman should have to marry him to please some old relics.'

'I honestly thought this arranged marriage business was a joke at first. Who heard of such archaic things happening in our part of the world, in this day and age?'

'Yeah, well, the aristocracy is alive and kicking. After everything I've seen and heard, it's no surprise any more. I'm the product of a sham arranged marriage, after all.'

'…I'm sorry.'

'I really shouldn't even exist. The circumstances of my parents' marriage is so fucked up, it never should have happened. We were just props to maintain this giant lie, based on this horrific thing.'

'Well, I'm glad you do exist. The circumstances may have been awful, but that doesn't mean your existence means nothing. You matter.'

'...Don't go feeling sorry for me. I'm not my siblings. They matter, they've done great to overcome all that shit, but you can't defend me.'

'Why the hell not? Look, none of it's your fault, and you're doing a lot better, aren't you-?'

'I've done awful things, Isai. It can't be excused. You don't know just how bad I really am.'

'No, you shouldn't carry on dwelling on things you've done in the past. You've acknowledged it and you're trying to move on. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it forever.'

'No, you really don't get it! You don't know what I've done! This is beyond just being a bitch. I did something unforgivable, and I can't and shouldn't escape that.'

'How bad can it be?'

'Killing someone bad?'

'...Y-You've killed someone?' 

'...I killed my own grandmother. I'm really sorry...'

'What the fuck. How the hell did that happen?'

'I didn't do it on purpose! I swear I'm not a total psycho! I didn't... I didn't mean to do it, and I wish I hadn't!'

'How can you accidentally kill someone?'

'We were arguing and I just pushed her and she fell over and hit her head. It was exactly like that! I never meant to kill her, nothing even close! I was just lashing out... but I know it's no excuse! I lost my temper and ended up doing something evil and believe me, I'll regret it forever!'

'...Jesus Christ, Aria. I didn't think you meant something like this.'

'I know, a-and I had to tell you 'cos I know you're much better than me and you should be able to choose not to be friends with someone like me. You needed to know the truth. I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner!'

'How long ago was this?'

'Years ago now. Eight years... It's when she told me all about what happened with Miles and the hit on his dad. She was mocking me over it and I lashed out. It happened so fucking quickly...'

'How did you get away with something like that?'

'Wasn't caught. Looked like she slipped. I don't even know.'

'...That's crazy. I can't even believe... I don't know what to even think.'

'I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have led you on to thinking I was a decent person. I shouldn't have made friends with you.'

'You weren't sorry enough to hand yourself in, though.'

'No... You're right, I'm evil, and I belong in prison... I was just too scared to do it! Edward kept it secret for me, and I didn't want to tear apart the family even more! It would've destroyed Ellis and Raya, and me... I'd rather be dead than in prison. I honestly rather would be dead now...'

'That's why I've tried stupid, suicidal shit, to try and achieve at least one good thing in my life a-and make up for it... Like going to Miles and trying to get them to kill me, so it'd spur people into action... I figured I might as well try to fix things, and not just end it as it is. And then e-everyone's so invested in me getting better, and being happy... I don't wanna hurt them any more! I'd be letting them all down again if I died, or went to prison!'

'Aria...'

'Believe me, I am sorry. For everything. I wasn't wrong when I said I shouldn't exist, because everything about my life fucking stinks. I was never able to be some inspirational person, rising above abuse and making something out of myself. It's just all gone so wrong...'

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.'

'It makes sense though, doesn't it? You're a good person, with good morals. Of course you'd think criminals should be punished for their crimes.'

'Well, honestly, it sounds like you've done more than a good enough job of punishing yourself, all these years.'

'Yeah... 'course, therapy discourages me from that, so I haven't hurt myself in a long while, even though I still think I do deserve it. Why do you think I stopped growing my nails so long...?'

'...You shouldn't. You don't deserve to hurt yourself. Because you're not evil... If you were, none of it would bother you. People like Tate don't care when they kill, do they? I doubt he's ever done what you have. He's never shown a shred of remorse, has he?'

'No. He doesn't give a shit. I'm not that much better than he is, though. Not through a lack of trying, but... I'm still broken, no matter how much I try.'

'None of this is fair. You never should have been in that situation where you had to confront her about the past. You never should have had those odds stacked against you in the first place. You never should have had to fight the way you have. Everyone who should've been there for you let you down so horrifically. It's no wonder it's come to this...'

'Yeah... certainly didn't start on easy mode, did I?'

'No. Come here.'

'You deserved so much better than what you got. I wish you'd had what I had, because it's just not right for people to suffer the way you have. But please... You have this chance to live better, to get better, and you've been going along with that so just... carry on with it. Just let yourself learn to be happy, won't you? Don't deny yourself because you think you don't deserve it, because you do.'

'Oh my God...'

'Shh, it's okay. It's going to be okay. I'm here.'

'You... You don't have to!'

'I know I don't have to, but I want to, and that's different. I'm glad you told me about all this... I don't hold it against you, okay?'

'You're really gonna forgive me, even though I'm a killer?'

'It isn't my place to. But after everything you said, I understand how it happened... I won't deny it makes me uncomfortable, but fucking hell, you're more unfortunate than anything. If you were a deranged murderer, that'd be a different story.'

'Thank you... I was so worried about telling you...'

'And that's something else... You didn't need to tell me at all.'

'Yeah, well, what you think of me matters a lot to me... I couldn't stand the idea of you hating me.'

'Well, rest assured, I don't.'

…

…

'...Thanks again, anyway...'