Tony prose

(Author's note: Warning for discussion of suicide.)


Upon awakening, noticing the unfamiliar surroundings made Tony’s heart race. It took a couple of seconds before he remembered where he was, and could calm down. In the circumstances, this reaction was to be expected - after all, the last couple of times he had woken up in a strange setting, it had meant something terrible had just transpired.

The first time, he had been in pain. Slightly dulled, due to the massive amounts of drugs being pumped into his veins, but pain nonetheless. The stinging of burns travelling up the right side of his body, worse at the very bottom and becoming less severe further up. Tony had quickly remembered what had put him in there, and worked himself into a frenzy desperately asking the doctors what had happened to Peter.

When their faces fell and they shook their heads, he knew.

Peter didn’t survive the blast.

Hell, not even all of Tony had, as he soon figured out that one of his legs was missing below the knee. How strange, to have not immediately realised half of his own damn leg was no longer there. But in that moment, he didn’t care. He didn’t care about his disfigurement, he didn’t care that he had survived something that should have killed him, he only cared that Peter was dead. Peter was dead, and it was all his fault.

That was the narrative that plagued him in the following months. Of course, other people had assured him that he wasn’t to blame. Peter knew what he was doing, they said. He was just doing his duty, they said. You’d have done the same, they said.

Then why the fuck didn’t I? Tony asked.

Time passed in a meaningless blur. He was sent home and discharged on medical grounds. After the funeral, he could no longer face Peter’s family, despite their efforts to reach out. What was there to even say? How the hell could he ever look them in the eye again? But now, he had nobody. He had always lived alone - the only place he had ever felt welcome was with his best friend and his family. That had been shattered beyond repair, leaving Tony alone to his thoughts.

The next time he woke up in an unfamiliar place, it was another hospital. He had thought over many different methods, but settled on carbon monoxide poisoning to see him to his end. It was simple - set the car engine running, attach a pipe to the exhaust and funnel it into the car. And wait. Tony hadn’t expected to be found. He hadn’t been expecting any visitors. When he woke up, Topaz was by his side.

‘Peter died so you can live! Don’t make his sacrifice all for nothing!’ she had later demanded, once the relief at him being alive had worn off.

‘I can’t! He was everything I’m not! He had loved ones, a family! He mattered to everyone! I’m nothing at the side of him! I’m not fucking worth it! I[ should have died!’ Tony had yelled.

‘No you fucking shouldn’t! People care about you too! I care!’

‘You cared about him as well. I should’ve fucking thrown myself on that bomb and not let him do it! I can’t live up to what he did for me!’

‘If that were true, he never would’ve done it! You need help, Tony. You’re fucking ill. I won’t let you throw away your own life too. It’s bad enough losing him. We can’t lose you as well,’ she wept.

And now, this was help. It was Tony’s first day at an inpatient facility for war veterans. He would be there as long as necessary, working on his physical rehabilitation and his mental health. Until he was physically able to live better, and until he stopped wanting to die.

His first visitor, of course, was Topaz. He was simultaneously afraid and grateful to see her, stomach twisting with anticipation as she appeared in the doorway. Fortunately, she didn’t seem to be angry with him, giving him a big smile and wrapping her arms around him in a warm hug. He remained silent as he stiffly but gratefully returned the hug, his haunted expression finally softening.

‘How is it?’ she asked, sitting down in an armchair opposite.

‘Not bad,’ he replied quietly, voice slightly hoarse from a lack of use. He cleared his throat and spoke a little louder. ‘Can’t complain, the facilities seem alright.’

‘That’s good,’ she smiled. ‘I know you don’t want to be here, but you’ll get used to it. I think you’ll be okay here, it seems nice enough for what it is.’

‘It’s not like I have anything better to do,’ Tony shrugged. Topaz laughed, heartened to see him make at least an attempt at a joke.

‘You’re tougher than you feel right now. You’ve always been a strong motherfucker, and I have faith in you,’ she told him.

‘I guess someone has to,’ he replied. ‘But thanks. I massively appreciate everything you’ve done.’ Glancing at the floor, he lowered his voice again. ‘...Sorry you saw what you did. I feel awful that you witnessed that.’

‘Someone would’ve, and I’m just glad I got there in time,’ the werewolf sighed. ‘But I’m sorry for freaking out on you. I should’ve been gentler, in the circumstances…’

‘It’s not your fault. You should never have been in that position…’ Tony trailed off, horrified to feel tears in his eyes. It wasn’t lost on Topaz, who seemed to be becoming just as tearful. She took his hand in hers and gave it a squeeze.

‘All that matters now is you getting better. Just trying. Okay?’

‘I swear, I’ll try,’ he promised. ‘I never want to hurt you like that ever again.’

‘Oh, forget me! You need to get better for you. Honestly, we’re barely more than kids, we haven’t even lived. You don’t even have a boyfriend,’ she finished with a laugh, wiping her eyes. She knew that was beside the point. They both did.

‘If you get that close to me, people here might start thinking you’re my girlfriend,’ Tony pointed out, smiling for the first time in months. He tried to bury the thought that nobody would want him with his scars.

‘Ooh, should I be careful, then?’ Topaz grinned.

‘No, I’m not complaining. It’d make me look better, if they thought I’d pulled someone like you…!’

‘You pretty much did,’ she pointed out, referring to a time when she had briefly fancied him, before he had told her he was gay.

‘Well, there’s your image to consider too, so maybe you should sit with someone cooler,’ he replied.

‘Oh, sure, yeah, I’ll just go sit with some random man.’

‘Honestly, I doubt many soldiers would mind the company of a fellow serviceman, especially when it’s a good-looking young woman. Or veterans, since I don’t think many here are active. Shit, I’m a veteran now,’ Tony realised.

‘Yep,’ Topaz nodded, smiling at the compliment. ‘Which means you’ll get a lot of support now. And if you don’t, I’ll make it happen.’

‘Honestly, now that I’m here, I shouldn’t need you to,’ he said, a little apprehensively. ‘This place, it’s meant to be good, right? I was lucky to get in so quickly too.’

‘You might make friends,’ she said, trying to ease his nerves. ‘And hey, I’ll keep visiting you as long as I’m around. Whether you want me here or not! You’ll struggle to get rid of me, alright?’

‘You know I do,’ Tony told her sincerely. ‘I’d be dead if it weren’t for you. That makes two people whose debt I’m in… I have to start paying it back at some point.’ He broke eye contact to stare out of the window, voice soft. ‘You’re right. I’ve got to live some good kind of life now, haven’t I? Otherwise it’s all for nothing.’

‘Yeah, but don’t put massive pressure on yourself and make it sound like some kind of burden. We just want you to be happy.’

‘You’d be surprised at just how difficult it is, being happy… You’d think it’d be easy. Well, for someone like me, anyway. I don’t have much to fall back on. Maybe if the circumstances were different….’

‘Y’know, my family would probably adopt you,’ Topaz grinned, knowing exactly what he meant. ‘Mum and Dad never turn anyone away. Hey, when you’re out of here, and if I’m home, you should come to ours for a family Christmas!’

‘Would they really be okay with that?’ he asked, surprised.

‘Oh, absolutely. We’d easily be able to put you up in one of the downstairs rooms,’ she told him enthusiastically. ‘...If it’s not too chaotic, anyway. I wouldn’t want you to be overwhelmed.’

‘I don’t know. I might be too difficult to be around,’ Tony muttered, bitterly disappointed at himself as the reality of life going forward weighed on his shoulders, thinking of all the normal things he would no longer be able to do, thinking of the special measures people would need to take around him now, thinking of all the difficulties that would now arise from his battered body and his broken spirit.

‘Let’s play it by ear, then,’ Topaz suggested, feeling guilty for getting ahead of herself. ‘Whatever happens, you won’t be alone. You’ll never have to be alone again.’

Tony looked back at his friend, meeting her eyes once more. With her, maybe, just maybe, there was a chance. He had promised her he would try, and he didn’t want to break that promise. He smiled at the werewolf.

‘Thanks, Topaz.’