Very reluctant midwifery

'Aunty Nal, you need to come over to the beach!'


*GROANS*


'Why, what's the matter? And what the fuck is that in the background?'

'It's Grandpa. Dad dragged him out of that nasty-ass pub and he's pretty much collapsed.'

'Bryan? Collapsing? Colour me surprised.'


'We think he's going into labour, he's talking about his stomach hurting! And, like, he insists it's different from when his stomach feels bad normally, soooo can you come help?'


'....'

'Aunty Nal?'

'...Do I have to?'


'You've helped people give birth before! Please, Dad's kinda frantic.'

'Christ. Fine, but you owe me.'

'Thanks! We're like, literally opposite the pub, see you soon!'


'Fuck my life.'


'...What's that?'


'Bryan's going into labour on the beach, right opposite the pub. Aizel is frantic according to Madina, and she's begged me to help out.'

'Oh Christ. ...Do you need help?'

'If you don't mind? At the very least I could do with someone to brace me for seeing Bryan's asshole.'

'...Only if I'm allowed to look away.'

'...Lucky bastard. Come on, let's get this over with.'

'Alright.'




'Thank God you're here!'


'H-How far along a-are your contractions, Dad?'


'I ain't fuckin' pregnant! I 'ad a bad curry or somethin'!'

'O-Okay, h-how much time is there between, um, belly aches?'

'There ain't none!'


'Look, people don't fucking glow green. It's caused by having a baby up your ass. I saw it with my brother.'

'I ain't fuckin' pregnant! I ain't bin abducted or nuffin!'

*STRIPS*


'Jesus Christ!'


'Um, um, um... oh God.'


'..........I think he's ready to push.'


'...Dear God help me.'

'You could have warned us!'


'Okay, anyone who isn't here to assist, go away. There isn't time to get Bryan either to a hospital or even somewhere where unfortunate passers-by aren't going to be subjected to the world's worst view, and as much as it may look like one, this isn't a circus. At the very least I'm going to need a towel for the baby and a bottle of cyanide.'


'Uh, cyanide?'

'Yes, after this I'm going to need a fucking drink.'


'...Yeah, I'm just going to go back inside and order the biggest cocktail going.'

'Have a drink for me too!'


'And me!'


'I live down the street. I'll bring you a towel. Anything else?'


'I can't think of anything else. Oh, someone call an ambulance though, no doubt Bryan's going to need to be checked out once this is over.'


'O-Okay, I can do that.'


'........Yup, I can see the head.'


'It is usually quick.'



'Probably the only upside to this. Okay Bryan, try to hang on yet, don't push until we've got some towels!'


'Wanna push!'

'Well don't.'


'And when you do, for the love of God, please Grandpa, don't shit yourself.'




'Oh thank fuck, thank you. Okay Bryan, now you can push!'

*SCREAMS*


'G-Go on Dad...!'

'The head's crowned, nearly there!'


'Fuckin' 'urts!'


'You can do it!'

'Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!'


'I gotcha!'


'Wow.'


'Well done!'


'Wow indeed.'


'...I have to say, I never thought I'd be this eager to hold something that came out of Bryan's ass -'


'- Uhh guys? He's glowing again...!'


'...What does that mean?'

'I dunno...'


'Jesus, he's having another!'




'Oh my God.'


'Are multiples common with alien pregnancy?!'


'Not that I'm aware of!'

'We're just lucky, huh? Thank God we've got plenty of towels.'


'Um. Push?'




'Come on Bryan, push! It'll be over soon.'

'OH GOD MY ASS'


'Right, please, please let that be it now.'


'Twins. Wow.'


'Still don't feel well.'


'...I bet.'


'S-So... um. ...What do we do now?'


'Well, I'm going to throw myself into the fucking ocean.'


'I don't blame you. You are a brave woman.'


'Thank you -'


'Are you pushing again?!'


'Okay no, that's enough, I am out.'


'This is too much.'


'Madina get back here!'


'Someone take baby number two then.'


'I will.'


'I can't believe this.'


'Third time's a charm, huh? Okay, go on Bryan, one more time! Please, let this be the last...'


'This is insane.'


'Yeah...'


'I vote we make Bryan's middle names "clown car ass".'


'Ewwwww!'


'Bloody hell.'


'Just a few more pushes! You're nearly there!'

'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!'

'And that's baby number three!'


'...How do you feel now?'


'Grossed out.'


'Not you.'


'S'better.'


'Thank God for that.'

'I'm glad that's the last one. ...I mean, I don't think there's room for another...'


'So what happens now?'

'Someone buys Aunty Nal a very stiff drink?'


'I think we ought to at least see what sex the babies are. ...This one's got some extra equipment.'


'What, like two willies?!'

'Not quite.'


'...Oh my, I see what you mean.'


'Let's have a look. ...This one too!'


'I don't get it.'


'They're intersex.'

'...Um. What's that?'

'These babies have both a penis and a vagina.'


'That's possible?!'

'...................Yes.'


'Oh for God's sake, Dad.'


'I suppose for now that makes them genderless.'


'Yes. So whoever names them would be wise to pick a unisex name. To avoid the risk that they might grow up feeling more like the opposite gender of what's been decided for them.'


'So how does it feel, Dad? You're not an only child any more!'


'Weird.'