A heart to heart

"Hey, Stan."

"Yo, Ari. Come sit down."

"What're you watching?"

"Oh, I wasn't really payin' attention. I think it was somethin' about the Illuminati."

"Not into conspiracies, are you?"

"Hell no. I mean, who'd be crazy enough to think that all the politicians have been replaced by aliens?"

"I wish someone would replace Tate with an alien. He'd probably be nicer."

"It's not like he can get worse."

"No. Hey, you know I've been pretty distracted recently. In that time I forgot about something."

"What?"

"That fucking statue. What are we going to do about it?"

"We?"

"Oh please, like you'd pass up the opportunity to do something to it. Why don't you steal it? You're pretty experienced in that area."

"Hey!"

"Just saying."

"Pfff. Well, it'll probably be bolted down. I don't think we can steal it."

"Then we'll desecrate it."

"...I could piss on it."

"...Yes. Stanley Cooper, I love you."

"Aww, I'll remember that. I guess we'd better get some of the others on board too, huh?"

"Damn right. Y'know, it's a shame I don't have a penis."

"Maybe you could get one of those things that lets women piss standing up."

"Could do. I guess Logan could get one too."

"Sweet. This'll be awesome."

"So, changing the subject, have you been nagged recently?"

"Nagged?"

"Come on, Stan. Only one person nags you on a regular basis."

"Oh. You mean my ma. Yeah, you could say that..."

"Tell me."

"Same old marriage and kids shit. Now that I'm 36 she thinks it's high time I got a move on."

"Sucks to be you."

"Yeah. Last conversation we had, she asked if I'm gay. No, Ma, I just don't have a girlfriend. Or the desire to knock someone up."

"Get one."

"Sure. I'll make a girlfriend fall out of the sky. Why didn't I think of that sooner?"

"Oh, haha. No, there's no need. She already exists."

"Who?"

"..."

"...You?"

"What? No, not me!"

"Was gonna say... you bein' an ace and all..."

"The woman in question has pink hair and tattoos and a great butt."

"Didn't think you'd notice that."

"No, but you clearly did."

"...Okay, you got me. I like her. So what?"

"Do something about it."

"What are you, a matchmaker?"

"Sure. It's not like the rest of you schmucks are doing anything to further your love lives."

"Jeez. She doesn't like me like that. That's why I haven't asked her."

"And how the fuck do you know? Are you a mindreader, Stanley? Huh?"

"...It's just fuckin' obvious, okay? She's got a kid anyway."

"I suppose that's a fair point. Still. You're fine with kids."

"Eh. Maybe. Why'd you care anyway?"

"...Just wanna see my best friend happy, that's all."

"Awwww. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

"Enjoy it while it lasts."