Advice

'Oh man, I've been waitin' for this day!'

'Stanley, please. Leave out the teasing, will you? It's giving me enough grief as it is.'

'Hey, don't feel bad over it. Nothin' to be ashamed of.'

'When you've had an upbringing like mine, it's difficult to fight off the feelings of shame.'

'You ain't done nothin' wrong. I know your parents gave you a lotta shit when it came to havin' feelings for women, but it's all bullshit. It's only natural to get crushes.'

'I feel like a teenager. And I know their puritanism was wrong, but even so...'

'Well, take it slow. No need to rush into anythin' physical.'

'There's no "it". Just me being an idiot.'

'Oh, Edward. Go on, tell me about her.'

'Okay... well, she's lovely. Considerate of my feelings. I told you about how she took me out to make me feel better after that day at school. And she's got a good sense of humour too. I... really enjoyed her company.'

'Aww, you sound smitten. What else?'

Hm. She's Ellis' coworker-'

'Wait, she's a cop? Oh jeez.'

'What's wrong with that?'

'Nothin'. But you know all 'bout me and cops. They hate me.'

'It might have something to do with you being a criminal.'

'Shhh. Well, it ain't the end of the world. What else? How old is she?'

'Over five hundred.'

'...What.'

'She's a vampire too, you see.'

'Oh, I get you! Shit man, I didn't know you were into older women...'

'Shut up. She only looks like she's in her twenties... which would make me look immensely creepy to anybody who didn't know, oh God...'

'Who cares? You know differently, and we know differently, and that's all that matters. It don't mean that you suddenly turned into Tate.'

'And thank God for that.'

'Yeah. So what does she look like?'

'She's beautiful.'

'...Um, she's quite athletic... short, white hair-'

'...Fuck.'

'What now?'

'I've met her before.'

'Oh, that's nice! Where did you meet?'

'In the gym. Uh, you don't get it...'

'Don't get what?'

'...I mighta farted next to her.'

'........'

'It just slipped out, okay! I couldn't help it, I'm really sorry-'

'You farted next to the woman I like.'

'Yeah, I did. Sorry.'

'Well, I'm sure she'll be just delighted to meet you again.'

'Tell me about it. Uh, movin' on... you gotta go for it.'

'She'd never be interested in me.'

'Don't give me that shit. We've heard it all too many times before, 'specially in our friend group.'

'I know, but... hey, you said the same thing about Nyla.'

'But I was wrong! Look at us now! I'm fuckin' lucky to have her, but she really did feel the same way 'bout me. What makes you different?'

'Stanley, you are a good-looking young man with a lot of charm and a heart of gold. I, on the other hand, am nearly fifty, with a scarred up face and body and a long string of mental health issues. I am not a catch, I don't have any of your appeal-'

'Come the fuck off it. First off, who cares 'bout your age? She won't if she's five hundred! Second, your scars don't change a thing. They don't make you ugly. You've got a nice face, and this is comin' from someone who ain't into men.'

'Stanley, I appreciate the effort, but you're my best friend. It's your job to build me up, of course you'll say those things.'

'...I'm just sayin', it ain't a stretch for someone to fancy you. I know someone who does.'

'Really?'

'Yeah.'

'Who?'

'...Uh, Nyla. She liked you as her tutor, and she still finds you sexy now.'

'....Really?'

'Really. Now don't you dare breathe a word to her.'

'Of course not... Does it bother you at all...?'

'Nah. She's got good taste, I ain't got a problem with that.'

'...Thank you.'

''Sokay. And about your mental health: it's fine. You're doin' really well. I've known you a long time, and the you of today? So much better than the old you. Sure, you have your bad days, but you've come a long way and I'm fuckin' proud of you.'

'Aww. That means a lot to me...'

'Good! So don't you let your worries bring you down.  You go out there and ask this woman on a date. Worst she can say is no. And the chances are, she'll be up for it.'

'How can you know that?'

'Trust me. I ain't wrong.'