Romance novels

(Note: I'm going to put a NSFW warning on this one, for the text and linked images. Be sure to click them.)

'What are you after today, then?'

'Bug books!'

'I thought you might.'

'Dad, you're going the wrong way.'

'It's just the long way around, that's all.'

'Edward?'

'Oh, hello, Nalini. How are you?'

'Hello. I'm okay, thank you. How are you?'

'I'm well, thank you.'

'Hi.'

'Hello again, Vincent. I hope I'm not interrupting your time together?'

'No, no, it's fine. He likes to pick them out himself. Then he buries his nose in it, and you can't get his attention after that!'

'That's what I'm like. I only realised you were here because I heard you all of a sudden.'

'I should probably let you get back to that, then.'

'It's fine, I don't mind taking a few minutes to chat. ...So, uh, how has everything been?'

'It's good at the moment. What about you and your daughter?'

'Glad to hear it. We're not too bad, thank you. She comes and goes as she pleases between seeing both parents, and I've been mainly reading or exercising.'

'Ah, that's nice. Did you find anywhere in town that you liked?'

'I'm going to the books.'

'Okay, I'll follow you in a minute.'

'I quite like Maywood Glen; either I can practise playing chess or it's completely alone and I can spend some time sat in the shade by myself.'

'Oh yes, it is nice there. I'm still not very good at spending time outdoors; I can't really be out of the shade. Does that get easier?'

'Absolutely, yes. Granted, I still don't like the sun and probably never will, but I can tolerate being outside if I have to be.'

'That's good. I do like spending time outside. That, and I'd like to be able to join the kids on the beach eventually. So... Erm. What's Ellis like as a partner? Truthfully.'

'Dedicated, he's a hard worker. I think he finds me a little uncomfortable to be around though. My stunning conversational skills can be a little awkward for people sometimes.'

'Well, he's a bit shy himself.'

'Probably not the best combination, a shy man and a grumpy arsehole.'

'Aww, well I don't think you're an arsehole.'

'That's because you don't know me very well. But thank you.'

'You can't be that bad.'

'Well, I try...'

'...What were you reading, before I disturbed you?'

'Oh, uh, it's called Black Notice. Crime fiction, part of a series, but I missed this one somehow.'

'Ah, nice. You like crime novels then?'

'I do. You'd think I get enough of violent crime in my job, and I do, but these novels are just too interesting to pass up, and fortunately unlike anything I've yet to experience in life. So what kind of things do you read?'

'I'll read any genre, really... Except probably romance. Or anything too gory and graphic.'

'I'd probably recommend you stay away from these then. They're from the perspective of a morgue worker with autopsy scenes, so...yes. ...I agree about the romance books though. Despite the saying, sometimes judging a book by its cover really is the best thing to do!'

'...Oh lord. Aria - my niece - she told us about a romance book she'd read once. It was...terrible. I won't elaborate here though!'

'....I will admit to having read some out of sheer boredom if nothing else really catches my eye, and oh my God. At the very least, the knowledge of anatomy was incredibly bad.'

'I have heard...things.'

'...I don't know about you, but I'm now sorely tempted to find the romance section to see what stupidity is in here.'

'Me too...'

'Ah, here it is. Let's see what absolute ridiculousness we can find.'

'I don't think we'll struggle.'

One minute later...

'Magical Bejeweled what?'

'Oh Jesus! That didn't take long!'

'What the hell am I looking at?'

'I'm not sure, but it's very...sparkly.'

'Sparkly indeed.'

'Wha - what the fuck?!'

'...I...what.'

'"This erotic tale is four thousand, three hundred words of sizzling human on gay triceratops action" - okay, first of all, that is not sizzling in the slightest and I don't know anyone who would disagree. Secondly, how did a triceratops become a billionaire socialite?! So many questions.'

'Who...who would enjoy this? In a serious way, anyway!'

'...Oh my.'

'I don't know, I really don't. What've you found this ti-'

'-oh. Holy shit, that is not natural. N-Not that I'm an expert...! But I don't think "is that a basketball in your pants or are you just pleased to see me" is an effective pick up line.'

'He's obviously stuffed something down there.'

'Oh my God, look at the expression of the man in the painting. He is staring right at it, and I don't know if he's scared or impressed!'

'So he is! A bit of both, maybe!'

'And if I were the other man there, I would not be kneeling down and looking as though every major world deity had been reincarnated into a man with penile elephantiasis demanding immediate worship, I'd be running the other way as fast as humanly possible!'

'Stop it, I can't deal with this. I mean, ultimately... that would just hurt.'

'My daughter wasn't that size when I birthed her, my God.'

'I bet. Whew.'

'This one doesn't look too peculiar...'

'Nnnnope, I take that back, it's Doctor Who porn.'

'...What? I didn't think that existed...'

'Oh yes. The eighth Doctor, apparently. "He had exactly the kind of physique she had always preferred in a man. Spare and lean, but strong looking; with fine, straight limbs, and a chest that was deep, nicely defined, but free of hair. His swinging p-" oh Christ!'

'Oh my. And to think I'm usually quite prudish...'

'M-Me too... What else is there?'

'Erm... Oh, that's a quality cover.'

'...I bet the "erotic scenes" in that are filled with terrible, terrible puns.'

'...I hate myself for this, but let's find one.'

'"Risner's body moving against his, taking him deeper with each rough push of his hips, was turning the heat inside Peter into a conflagration, hot enough to warm the cold depths of space itself..." Really?'

'Oh nooo, that's even worse than I expected!'

'This is just ridiculous.'

'What's so funny?'

'N-nothing!'

'Oh! Uh, hello again.'

'Hi. Dad, you said you were coming over and you didn't.'

'Sorry, I got a bit sidetracked.'

'I'll, uh, I'll let you go then.'

'Alright. Well, thank you. It's been fun.'

'It has. Hope to see you around again...?'

'Oh yes, I'm here quite often.'

'Okay, well I'll probably run into you again pretty soon...'