Izon debut

*RING*


'...Goddamn it. Maybe they'll go away.'

'Were you expecting anyone?'

'No, I'm not, and I'd rather stay here with you.'

'I'd prefer that too.'

'Then fuck 'em.'

*RING RING*


'...Oh fuck me.'

'Go on, answer it.'

'I'll get rid of them.'


'Madina!'


'Finally! I was beginning to think you weren't in.'

'I wasn't expecting any visitors. Come in.'

'Yeah, sorry for the impromptu visit. Dad and me are visiting Grandpa and some local unis and I figured that, like, I'd totally prefer to come and see you than spend time around Grandpa and his scent of vomit, farts and stale beer.'


'Hello.'


'Oh, hi. Sorry, I didn't realise you had company, Aunty Nal.'


'That's what happens when you don't call ahead. This is Edward... My boyfriend.'

'Oh my Godddd, Aunty Nal, you kept that one quiet!'

'Oh shush. Edward, this is my best friend's daughter, Madina.'


'Nice to meet you.'

'You too.'


'How many of you have come over?'

'Just me and Dad. He got a call from Grandma saying that Grandpa needs help, and like I said, I'm looking into universities, so like, we thought we'd kill two birds with one stone.'

'And how is Bryan the bloat?'

'Bloated. Dad and me got there and Grandma said that he was fast asleep on the couch. Some things never change.'


'...Who is this Bryan?'


'Bryan Izon.'

'My grandpa. He's, like, about average height, totally grey, hairier than a gorilla, an enormous slob, really rude, sexist, ignorant, clichéd barbed wire tattoo on one arm...'


'...I've met him before. Small world.'

'...Oh poor you.'


'Jeez, agreed.'

'So what's wrong with him?'

'Oh God, I don't even know. Something about him glowing green.'


'...Uhh...?'


'Glowing green?'


'Yeah, I dunno either. Just in the stomach, apparently. Either way, Dad felt it was better to come and investigate for himself.'

'...Is he pregnant?'

'Um. That'd be pretty impressive, being a man...'


'The thing is, my nephew used to glow green in the stomach area when he was pregnant. Alien baby, you see.'

'...Oh. Uh, I kind of didn't think that was actually real.'


'The mental images I have are horrendous ...So, uh, what are you planning on studying at university? Anything to get off the topic of a pregnant Bryan.'

'I'm still undecided. There's two degrees I'm interested in earning. Part of me wants to go into journalism, but like, I'm also interested in psychology.'


'I did psychology. It was quite enjoyable. Hard work, though.'


'Yeah, that's part of my indecision. I'm a bit worried it might be too hard for me to really be good at.'

'Ah. Do you do it at school?'

'Nope. I had a look through the library for some stuff on it to check out, but an actual uni course would be the first, like, proper class on it.'


'Perhaps it might be worth looking into work experience or something like that.'

'Oooh yeah, that'd be good. I do have some experience in mental health related things. My dad's got some issues, so, like, I learnt how to help calm him down during panic attacks, that kinda thing.'

'Oh, that's a lovely thing to do.'

'I try, but thanks. And I'll totally check out the work experience idea too!'

'Good, good. What about journalism? Have you done anything about that?'


'Oh yeah, I've been on the school newspaper for a while now.'


'Glad to hear you've been keeping up with it.'

'Well, best of luck in whatever you choose.'


'Thank you!'

*RING*


'Oh Christ alive, what now?'




'...'


'...Who is that?'

'...Oh for God's sake.'


'I'm looking for my bear cub!'


'...Aizel?'

'Mmmmmmaybe.'


'...'


'...That's my dad. Where the hell did you get that bear costume?'


'I found it round Grandpa's! It was the only thing in his wardrobe that doesn't smell like pee.'


'...That second part doesn't surprise me.'

'It's kinda hot in this actually.'


'Take it off then.'


'...Wait, you are, like, still wearing clothes under it, right?'

'...Oh Christ.'


'Of course I am!'


'...So, nice to meet you. I'm Edward.'


'Hi, I'm Aizel. And I see you met my little kitty Maddy!'


'Dad!'

'Kitty? Ah, because of her tail...?'


'Yup. She's my little black and white tiger cub!'

'Dad no, I'm not the youngest!'

'I wanna fwuff your tail!'

'DAD.'


'It sounds like you've got the embarrassing parent act down to an art.'


'Oh definitely, it's my bestest hobby! If you rub between her horns, she purrs!'


'Oh my fucking God Dad, really.'

'It's cute!'

'No it's not, purring's for babies.'


'This must be confusing for you.'


'Admittedly so.'


'My species is called dysadin. Or, well, kinda. I'm a halfie.'

'But you're a hundred percent cute!'


'Go away, Dad.'

'And if you wanna purr, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!'

'Dad, if you don't stop, I'm going to say something inappropriate that'll embarrass you instead.'


'I feel no embarrassment!'


'You sound confident in that.'

'I am!'


'I went on the computer after you to do my homework the other day and saw your big boobies porn search.'




'Madina!'

'I warned you! And, like, you do realise there's an incognito function, right? My friends saw it.'

'Meeeep.'


'...Oh.'

'Oh, and just last week, Dad went to hospital after knocking himself out with a potato.'


'...A potato?'


'How the hell did you manage that?'


'...I tried to catch it and it hit me on the head...'

'At least it didn't do any serious damage?'


'Honestly, I'm not sure Dad has enough brain cells to do any damage.'

'Heeeyyy, that's mean!'

'Do I have to pull out more anecdotes?'

'No that's okay!'


'So how's the rest of the family?'


'They're all still crazy.'

'Ahh, so nothing's changed then.'

'Pretty much!'


'What's the rest of the family like?'

'Oh God. Well, Dad you've already seen, my mum's taken to putting on fairy wings, waving a dick shaped wand and calls herself the penis fairy -'


'- Oh.'

'I've got an older brother and he burnt himself stuffing his joint down his pants once. And my younger twin sisters might've actually been conceived in a Satanic ritual.'


'I see...'


'Aww, be nice about your sisters.'


'...I only persuaded Talana to clean her room by saying that she could kill me. She ran off in glee saying she was gonna use the big knife. And Kiana covered my room with pictures of Nicolas Cage.'


'Yup, this all pretty much sounds like normal Izon behaviour.'


'They still sound preferable to my family.'

'Sounds promising.'


'Do you wanna see Maddy's baby photos?!'


'Okay no, goodbye Dad. Go give Grandpa a sponge bath or something.'


'Oh, I know that trick. My niece wasn't impressed when she found out I'd shown hers to a friend of ours.'


'I'm glad to be too old for baby photos.'


'I'm probably gonna go take your advice and go check on Dad again. No sponge baths though!'

'Ew.'

'Come see me at Grandpa's Palace of Pee, okay?'


'...Can't wait.'


'I'm going to excuse myself to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute.'


'Nice one! I'm impressed!'


'Madina! He's old enough to be your father!'

'And you're old enough to be his, like... great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother. I'm just saying, he's cute.'


'...Yes. He is. Now shut up before he comes back and hears you.'