Dumb shitty romance books

A/N: Just like in Nat's library post, the books mentioned in the latter part of this post are real.

Real stupid.

There's a bunch of shit that I didn't include from the articles I found the quotes from, but they're totally worth checking out, so have fun laughing yourself stupid.

 


'Hello, is that the Institute of Arcane Research? This is Nalini Faux, and I'd like to schedule a meeting with Ms Charmaine Vreer. Thank you.'




*sigh*
'...Fuck whoever invented putting people on hold.'


'Ah, hello, Ms Vreer? As I said to the receptionist, my name is Ms Nalini Faux, and I am calling on behalf of one Miss Indigo Gore, to request assistance in dealing with a dangerous supernatural entity in the city of Devil's Port; I believe this is right down the Institute's alley?'


'I'm...not entirely sure how much to tell over the phone, hence why I'd like to schedule a meeting with you, as the Institute's owner. Suffice it to say that it's highly deadly and of alien origin.'


'...Forgive me for being obstinate, but will this consultation have to take place in Moonlight Falls? I am unable to return there, and the majority of the people who are to be involved in dealing with this being are located in Sunset Valley.'


'Brilliant, thank you. Do you have anything free for the weekend? Not the most conventional time to schedule a consultation I understand, but unfortunately this is a matter that needs to be taken care of as soon as possible, and a weekend is the best time to get those involved, including Miss Gore, together. Right, okay. I'll let her know. Thank you very much, and see you then. Goodbye.'


'Indigo? It's Nalini. Clear your Saturday, we're going to be meeting some backup for the ORTOS job at three.'


'This Saturday? Alright, thanks. I'll call Laz. Bye.'


'Hello, Shoel-Gore residence!'


'Hi...Lazarus? ...It's Indigo.'


'Oh wonderful! Hello Indigo, it's brilliant to hear from you again.'


'...Good. Sorry to only call 'cause I want something, but you're still in board with this, uh, problem we discussed online, right?'


'I am indeed, why do you ask?'


'This is short notice, but you know the backup I said someone else was calling? They wanna meet this weekend. Saturday, three.'


'Ah, yes. I see what you mean. That is a little bit restrictive on my schedule, but given the mitigating circumstances that surround this job, I do believe I can manage it somehow. Hmm... How long do you think this meeting will be?'


'Dunno, I know as much as you do now.'


'Perhaps it would be a better use of my time if I made a day of it in Sunset Valley, providing Deveron can manage without me. He should do, our businesses don't intertwine, I stay with my alchemy station, and he stays with his robots, his idiots, and his robot idiots! But then that way I could peruse your charming little town some more. Does it have its own purveyor of alchemical goods? A magical proprietory store, if you will.'


'....'


'...Indigo?'


'...You're still a man of all the words, aren't you?'


'And you're still a woman of no words! But is there a store of alchemical convenience for a wandering witch to pop his nose into?'


'...Yeah.'


'Ah, brilliant! Then perhaps I can repurpose my time there by looking for new recipes or ingredients and so forth to add to my repertoire and make up for my time deficit upon returning.'


'...Great.'


'Then I shall see you very soon, dear sister! Goodbye!'




'Ah, well if it isn't my most favourite two gentlemen in the entire world!'


'Hello, lovely.'

'How's our precious little gem?'

'Very talkative today, aren't you Rumen?'


'Daddy Laz!'


'That's right! Come here, my little cutie-pants.'


'Deveron, you recall that I agreed to help my sister out with a rather dangerous matter in regards to an unpleasant circumstance that our father has gotten himself entangled in?'


'...Have I mentioned how much I love seeing the two of you together? But to answer your question, I do. Has there been some kind of development?'

'That indeed there has; I just received a phone call from the aforementioned sister, and it would seem that one of her - or should I say, our - allies has been so kind as to set a date for a meeting for all of us to get together and hash out a good plan. Unfortunately, there is a downside in the matter that time is not on our side, so I will have to leave at shorter notice than I would like. Hopefully not so short that it would leave you in the lurch though.'


'Oh, I see. When is it?'


'This Saturday, I'm afraid to say.'

'Oh, that's not so bad.'

'I thought I'd make a day of it; Indigo says that there is an alchemical consignment store in Sunset Valley, so I figured that a good use of my time would be to partake in a little magical shopping once the scary business is out of the way and done. Then that way I can make up for my missing time here - work wise, anyway.'


'That makes sense. I'll miss you, though.'

'And I'll miss you too, my delectable vision in grey.'






'Aww, Rumen. Are you going to try and climb back into your crib?'


'And to think he normally can't wait to get out of it in the mornings.'

'Oh yes. That's our indecisive little man!'

'That it is. Oh, and also, brace yourself for some grumpiness; Anya bought Ausric a bunch of marriage advice books and is insisting that they read them together.'


'Oh my dearest darling, you must be confused - Ausric is far too much of a big ray of sunshine to ever be grumpy about anything!'

'Hahaha, of course. How could I have forgotten?'






'Right, I am here. How many of these damn books did you get?'


'Oh, a few. I found a good selection -'

'- I find that difficult to believe.'

'...Be qviet, Ausric.'

'Did you at least get The Joy of Sex? Or something similar?'


'...No, Ausric. I found several: 365 Vays to be Romantic, Love Coupons: A Coupon Gift of Love and Romance, Enchanted Evenings, 1001 More Vays to Be Romantic, Romantic Fantasies & Other Sexy Vays of Expressing Your Love, Romantic Mischief: The Playful Side of Love, The Portable Romantic: An indispensible pocket guide to creating loving relationships... Some others too.'

'......This is going to be a nightmare.'

'Keep a open mind, honey. You might like them.'


'"Vhen you are dressed up and out together, secretly hand him your panties under the table. Vatch his expression. If he is not absolutely delighted, he needs help. Serious help." ...Then I need help. Do not do this, Anya. Please.'

'...Okay, so that vun isn't great, admittedly...'

'"Open a dictionary to any page. At random, point to a vord. You and your lover must figure out some vay to include that vord, idea or concept into your lovemaking some time in the next veek." The last time I got bored enough to randomly read through the dictionary, I landed on the vord "corpse".'

'...Let me find one from my book.'


'"Plan a date for Superbowl Sunday! After she vakes up from fainting she'll be delighted! Tape the game on your VCR so you can vatch it later, of course."'


'...Seriously?'


'There'll be something good soon, I'm sure of it. Vait, here's something!' "Creative Gift Ideas #2: get every recording ever made by his favourite musical group"!'

'I already have everything BlutEngel has produced.'


'...Damn it, true. ...Oh, the idea's listed again on another page anyvay...'

'...Really.'

'Mmm... As "Overdo it! #1".'


"Around the House #5: Imagine the bathtub filled vith Hershey's Kisses". So...not even actually do it, just pretend? That is probably better in the long run cleaning vise, but how fucking desperate do you have to be to pretend you are bathing in chocolate? ...Christ, that is the sort of thing Lazarus and Deveron vould do.'

'Vatch your language.'

'Say that to the fucking book.'

'Ausric.'


'..."Go through revolving doors together". Anya, this stupid book genuinely suggests this as romantic. Please, please tell me you are having second thoughts about these absolutely asinine books, because I am losing the Goddamn vill to live.'

'I admit I thought they'd be better than this...'


'"Bonnie and Clyde Day: Be vild! I vouldn't recommend that you actually rob a bank -- but you could certainly vithdraw money from an ATM machine and pretend!"'


'...So in return for a date, I give you money. Great idea. Ugh. My turn. "Spend an evening searching for her G-spot. You may not find it, but you'll have fun trying". Yes, I am sure it vould be especially enjoyable for both of us if I vere to act like I am attempting to use your genitals as the car's glove compartment.'

'That had better not be a remark on me!'

'Of course not, Anya.'


'"Touch your partner -- vith your eyes". Stare at your tits. I can do that.'


'...I think I have a new drinking game from these.'

'Vhat, drink every time you vant to kill someone?'

'Christ no, I do not want to get arrested and hungover.'

'But just arrested?'

'It vould get avay from the overly soppy idiots ve share a house vith. But no. Take a drink every time he mentions pizza.'


'...Is it really that often?'

'"The "Ultimate Pizza Date" Couple: The coupon-holder chooses the pizza joint and the toppings. Coupon-giver's treat". "Order a pizza vith all the toppings she likes best". "Save the last slice of pizza for him". "Heads it is take out pizza, tails it is take out Chinese". "The "Ultimate, Fantastic, Delicious Pizza" Coupon: Good for vun date at the best pizza joint in town".'

'This vas such a vaste of money.'


'I am glad you finally agree.'

'Okay, no need to be a smug pest about it.'

'Oh no, I have earnt the right to be smug about this.'


'...Oh my God. I give up, you vere right. Enjoy this moment vhile it lasts. Let's burn these books.'


'...Go on.'


'"Vun plus vun eqvals vun: two becoming vun.
Vun plus vun eqvals two: two balancing independence and interdependence.
Vun plus vun eqvals three: oops! -- And baby makes three!"'

'...Is...that honestly suggesting an unexpected pregnancy is romantic?'

'Yes...'

'...I am getting a drink.'